That's fucked up dude.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Stoner Commandment #7
Stoner Commandment #7: Thou shall not spill the bong water. That shit reeks dude, you have no idea.
The Stoner Bible: Chapter1, Verse 3
Do not judge, lest people be judgin' on you.
So, I'm chillin' with my crew...my posse...my...dudes I hang with. Smokin' the ganj, creepin' on some bitches. But my moms, The Virgin Mary, starts wiggin' on me, talkin' about the bad crowd I'm runnin' with.
"They're no good Jesus," she would say to me. "They'll end up dead or in prison."
"Well," I said, "if they die I can raise them from the dead." Moms didn't think that was funny...it's just Jesus humor yo.
But I liked my new homies. John The Baptist, Peter The Rock, Matthew The Buzzkill (Matthew liked to talk a lot during doobage, hence Stoner Commandment #1). There was also James The Pimp, Judas The Bitch, and Mary The Train Track...I hope I don't need to explain that last one, it's very graphic.
Moms thought we were up to no good, but we were out spreading the message of the miracle weed. We gained new followers every day...
Subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing!
So, I'm chillin' with my crew...my posse...my...dudes I hang with. Smokin' the ganj, creepin' on some bitches. But my moms, The Virgin Mary, starts wiggin' on me, talkin' about the bad crowd I'm runnin' with.
"They're no good Jesus," she would say to me. "They'll end up dead or in prison."
"Well," I said, "if they die I can raise them from the dead." Moms didn't think that was funny...it's just Jesus humor yo.
But I liked my new homies. John The Baptist, Peter The Rock, Matthew The Buzzkill (Matthew liked to talk a lot during doobage, hence Stoner Commandment #1). There was also James The Pimp, Judas The Bitch, and Mary The Train Track...I hope I don't need to explain that last one, it's very graphic.
Moms thought we were up to no good, but we were out spreading the message of the miracle weed. We gained new followers every day...
Subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Stoner Commandment #6
Stoner Commandment #6: Thou shall not draw attention to yourself while stoned. No one knows you're baked, unless you tip them off.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Stoner Commandment #5
Stoner Commandment #5: Thou shall not be a snitchin' bitch. You cut supply and raise the price of weed. Stoner Jesus hates snitches yo.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Stoner Bible: Chapter 1, Verse 2
The herb is the tree of life. Cherish it, for it will bring you to being stoned like a mofo.
Scoring herb isn't easy when you're a toddler. Dealers are all paranoid, like you're a narc or something. Where would I hide a mic, my diaper?
Luckily I met a really kick-ass dealer, John The Baptist. They called him "The Baptist" because when people passed out drunk at his parties, he would piss on them and scream, "you've been baptized!"
Often John and I would stay up late into the night, discussing philosophy and religion, taking fat blunts to the dome.
And when it came to bitches, John always had the hook up. The hoes were on his jock like crabs on Paris Hilton. Times were good for Lil' Stoner Jesus.
Stay tuned to this blog for continuing installments of The Stoner Bible...
Scoring herb isn't easy when you're a toddler. Dealers are all paranoid, like you're a narc or something. Where would I hide a mic, my diaper?
Luckily I met a really kick-ass dealer, John The Baptist. They called him "The Baptist" because when people passed out drunk at his parties, he would piss on them and scream, "you've been baptized!"
Often John and I would stay up late into the night, discussing philosophy and religion, taking fat blunts to the dome.
And when it came to bitches, John always had the hook up. The hoes were on his jock like crabs on Paris Hilton. Times were good for Lil' Stoner Jesus.
Stay tuned to this blog for continuing installments of The Stoner Bible...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Stoner Commandment #4
Stoner Commandment #4: Thou shall not be paranoid. Thou shall calm the fuck down, no one is "on to you" or following you.
Sermons From The Bong #2: Of Course Jesus Smoked Weed
Cannabis and the Christ: Jesus used Marijuana
I get assholes all the time who say we shouldn't "make fun" of Jesus by comparing him to a stoner.
First of all, fuck you assholes. Now that's out of the way, go read the link above.
Jesus isn't your mascot. You can't just decide that you don't like weed, so Jesus didn't like it either. Jesus can do what he wants, and if he wants to puff some ganja, get off his back. Don't judge Jesus.
Jesus has more important shit to do than worry about what you think. He died for your sins, so if he wants to smoke a joint to relieve stress, or even bang some hoes, it's not your problem. Live your own life, let Jesus live his.
I get assholes all the time who say we shouldn't "make fun" of Jesus by comparing him to a stoner.
First of all, fuck you assholes. Now that's out of the way, go read the link above.
Jesus isn't your mascot. You can't just decide that you don't like weed, so Jesus didn't like it either. Jesus can do what he wants, and if he wants to puff some ganja, get off his back. Don't judge Jesus.
Jesus has more important shit to do than worry about what you think. He died for your sins, so if he wants to smoke a joint to relieve stress, or even bang some hoes, it's not your problem. Live your own life, let Jesus live his.
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