The Stoner Jesus Chronicles

Stoner Music: In a Gadda da Vida

2010-04-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

Fucking classic.

Stoner Commandment #8

2010-04-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

Stoner Commandment #8: Thou shall smoke your weed for free with a hot chick (or hot guy depending on your situation). A chance at sex is worth the smoke you give up.

The Mullet Minute - Medical Marijuana

2010-03-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

That's fucked up dude.

Stoner Commandment #7

2010-03-17T18:43:00.001-07:00

Stoner Commandment #7: Thou shall not spill the bong water. That shit reeks dude, you have no idea.

Stoner Music: Comfortably Numb

2010-03-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

From "The Wall: The Movie."

Weed Bikini

2010-03-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

This chick wants to be an apostle.

The Stoner Bible: Chapter1, Verse 3

2010-03-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

Do not judge, lest people be judgin' on you.

So, I'm chillin' with my crew...my posse...my...dudes I hang with. Smokin' the ganj, creepin' on some bitches. But my moms, The Virgin Mary, starts wiggin' on me, talkin' about the bad crowd I'm runnin' with.

"They're no good Jesus," she would say to me. "They'll end up dead or in prison."

"Well," I said, "if they die I can raise them from the dead." Moms didn't think that was funny...it's just Jesus humor yo.

But I liked my new homies. John The Baptist, Peter The Rock, Matthew The Buzzkill (Matthew liked to talk a lot during doobage, hence Stoner Commandment #1). There was also James The Pimp, Judas The Bitch, and Mary The Train Track...I hope I don't need to explain that last one, it's very graphic.

Moms thought we were up to no good, but we were out spreading the message of the miracle weed. We gained new followers every day...

Subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing!

Leprechaun in Alabama

2010-03-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

I need to be smokin' some of their shit yo.

Leprechaun in Alabama - watch more funny videos

The REAL Situation

2010-03-10T19:54:00.001-08:00

The REAL Situation (Feat. MTV Jersey Shore's The Situation, Snooki, and Pauly D) - watch more funny videos

I Wanna Be A Stoner

2010-03-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

Bun in The Oven

2010-03-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

Fuck a mother.

Bun in the Oven - Presented by the LA Comedy Shorts Film Festival - watch more funny videos

Weed

2010-03-08T18:00:00.001-08:00

Stoner Music: House of The Rising Sun

2010-03-08T17:58:00.001-08:00

So much great stoner music came from the 60's.

Stoner Commandment #6

2010-03-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

Stoner Commandment #6: Thou shall not draw attention to yourself while stoned. No one knows you're baked, unless you tip them off.

Stoner Commandment #5

2010-03-06T04:49:00.000-08:00

Stoner Commandment #5: Thou shall not be a snitchin' bitch. You cut supply and raise the price of weed. Stoner Jesus hates snitches yo.

Stoner Music: White Room

2010-03-06T04:41:00.000-08:00

Clapton...and Cream.

Why Weed is Better Than Sex

2010-03-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

It's a close call.

Why Weed Is Better Than Sex - watch more funny videos

Stoner Music: White Rabbit

2010-03-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

60's classic for a little smoke session.

The Stoner Bible: Chapter 1, Verse 2

2010-03-02T20:19:00.000-08:00

The herb is the tree of life. Cherish it, for it will bring you to being stoned like a mofo.

Scoring herb isn't easy when you're a toddler. Dealers are all paranoid, like you're a narc or something. Where would I hide a mic, my diaper?

Luckily I met a really kick-ass dealer, John The Baptist. They called him "The Baptist" because when people passed out drunk at his parties, he would piss on them and scream, "you've been baptized!"

Often John and I would stay up late into the night, discussing philosophy and religion, taking fat blunts to the dome.

And when it came to bitches, John always had the hook up. The hoes were on his jock like crabs on Paris Hilton. Times were good for Lil' Stoner Jesus.

Stay tuned to this blog for continuing installments of The Stoner Bible...

David Blaine Street Magic

2010-03-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

Ta-da!

David Blaine Street Magic 2 - watch more funny videos

Stoner Music: Purple Haze

2010-03-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

Jimi made some of the ultimate stoner music. Enjoy!

Stoner Commandment #4

2010-03-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

Stoner Commandment #4: Thou shall not be paranoid. Thou shall calm the fuck down, no one is "on to you" or following you.

Sermons From The Bong #2: Of Course Jesus Smoked Weed

2010-03-01T03:58:00.000-08:00

Cannabis and the Christ: Jesus used Marijuana

I get assholes all the time who say we shouldn't "make fun" of Jesus by comparing him to a stoner.

First of all, fuck you assholes. Now that's out of the way, go read the link above.

Jesus isn't your mascot. You can't just decide that you don't like weed, so Jesus didn't like it either. Jesus can do what he wants, and if he wants to puff some ganja, get off his back. Don't judge Jesus.

Jesus has more important shit to do than worry about what you think. He died for your sins, so if he wants to smoke a joint to relieve stress, or even bang some hoes, it's not your problem. Live your own life, let Jesus live his.

Stoner Commandment #3

2010-02-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

Stoner Commandment #3: Thou who rolled it, lights it. Thou can pass this privilege onto another if they desire.

Stoner Music: Shine on You Crazy Diamond

2010-02-28T17:43:00.000-08:00

Spark it up and relax for about 10 minutes.

Sermon From The Bong #1: Haters

2010-02-27T21:25:00.000-08:00

Welcome, my children. It's time for a sermon from the bong. Take a hit and let me drop some knowledge.

There are a lot of haters out there. People who want to bring you down, because it makes them feel better about themselves. Most people know this, but if you haven't learned it yet, you will.

These are the people who haven't accomplished anything. Deep down they know this, and they lash out to hide their insecurities. They fill the forums of the internet today like they filled the forum in old Rome. They yearn to see the blood spilled.

But those people don't run your life. They don't know you; your ups and downs, your hopes and fears. They won't be there to help you when you fall, only to kick you when you're down. Drop these people from your life.

The only influence they have is what influence you let them have.

Stoner Commandment #2

2010-02-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

Stoner Commandment #2: Thou shall not bogart the weed. Puff puff pass that shit. It's not all about you.

My Original Stoner Jesus Pic

2010-02-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

My profile pic for the original Stoner Jesus Myspace page, before I got the drawing you see at top of blog.

Stoner Commandment #1

2010-02-27T16:38:00.001-08:00

Stoner Commandment #1: Thou shall not talk excessively while smoking. Shut the fuck up and smoke.

To Catch a Predator

2010-02-27T16:23:00.000-08:00

Bitches in check.

To Catch a PREDATOR -- Unseen Episode - watch more funny videos

Turns Out Charles Barkley is Mentally Challenged

2010-02-27T16:08:00.000-08:00

Some people thought they knew that already, but Charles was kind enough to videotape proof.

The Stoner Bible: Chapter 1, Verse 1

2010-02-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

In the beginning, there was weed. And it was good.

This is the saga of Stoner Jesus. On this blog will flow the ultimate of Stoner experiences, The Stoner Bible. Learn it, Live it, Love it...or something like that.

My mom, the Virgin Mary, smoked a shitload of weed while she was pregnant with me. It was immaculate. I chilled in her smoked-filled sac for a while (I don't know how long, stoners aren't good with time), then she popped me out. After that, it wasn't as easy to score weed.

Moms still had the hookup, and Joseph was smokin' mad dank, but no one ever thought to hook a brother up. My real Dad, God, got me on the weekends, but he was too busy to spend time with me. Something about running the world. I just think he was watching porn or something.

So early on I had to fend for myself, and score my Mary Jane on the black market.

Stay tuned for more, coming soon...

Welcome

2010-02-26T15:39:00.000-08:00

Welcome to The Stoner Jesus Chronicles, your home for everything Stoner Jesus. I will be writing The Stoner Bible, The Stoner Commandments, Sermons from The Bong, as well as anything else I want to talk about or show you. Get baked and get ready, it's The Stoner Jesus Chronicles.